The Defender: A Single Dad Hockey Romance (Boston Hawks Hockey) Page 13

  I shouldn’t be this nervous. I’m a dedicated father, a good provider, a man who loved her sister with every part of me. Still, telling Maia that I’m now seeing Bella, my kids’ nanny, is a delicate subject. Thoughts on how to broach it swirl in my head. I’m so lost in my own mind that I jump when a tap sounds from the passenger window.

  I whip my neck to the side, snickering when I spot Maia next to the passenger window, bundled up in a massive scarf, with two mugs of coffee in hand. I unlock the car door and she slips inside, passing me a mug.

  “Thanks,” I say, taking a sip. The bitter roast quiets some of my thoughts and I lean my head back against the headrest.

  “I was starting to worry about you. You look like you’re going to tell me you got traded to Los Angeles and are taking Milly and Mason away…” she says half-jokingly but I hear the concern in her voice.

  “No,” I say quickly, shaking my head. “It’s nothing like that.”

  “But it is bad news,” she murmurs, watching me.

  I blow out a deep breath.

  “Oh my God! Are you sick? Is one of the twins ill?” she asks quickly, panic blazing across her face.

  “No, no, of course not,” I rush to reassure her, placing a hand on her wrist. “I’m making a mess of this.”

  Maia takes a deep breath, her dark eyes flashing the same way Layla’s used to. Since Maia is so much younger than Layla, I never realized how similar they look. They always resembled each other, were clearly sisters, but now that Layla is gone, Maia seems to hold so many more of her features.

  “What’s going on, JR?”

  I take a deep breath. “I’ve come to tell you some news, some changes in my life. And I don’t really know how to say it.”

  “Just blurt it out.”

  “I’m dating someone.”

  Maia freezes, her eyes swinging to mine. For a beat, she’s frozen and then, her laughter erupts.

  I lean back, the back of my head hitting the window. I reach to rub at the spot as I stare at my sister-in-law like she’s lost it. Is she upset? Is this one of those disbelieving reactions to the news I shared? Is her laughter going to morph into tears in a second? “Maia,” I say slowly.

  “Oh gosh, JR, jeez,” she wheezes out, pressing a hand over her heart. “You really scared the shit out of me and, well, to tell me that,” she chuckles, “that you’re dating…”

  I wait for her to finish her thought but she doesn’t. She just keeps laughing and shaking her head.

  Slowly, her laughter dies down. Maia runs the back of her hand over her eyes and takes a sip of her coffee. Clearing her throat, she turns toward me and nods. “Okay. What’s her name? How’d you meet her?”

  “Hold up,” I say, squinting at her. “You need to explain what the hell that”—I wave a hand in her general direction—“was about.”

  “Honestly? Relief. I thought you were going to tell me something truly awful but to learn that you’re dating, that you’re living again, it’s a big, big relief.”

  “Relief,” I repeat, not believing her.

  She nods. “Mom and I were really starting to worry about you. You seemed so down all the time, so sad. Which, of course, is normal. But your life was just becoming this routine. No joy, no socializing. Just work and home, work and home.” Maia shakes her head. “No one can keep that up forever. We all need people, companionship, emotional connections with others. It’s important, JR.”

  “You talked about this, about me, with Zainab?” I ask slowly, wondering how my mother-in-law would feel about me dating.

  Maia nods. “Of course. With your parents gone, we consider ourselves your strongest support system. Still, we hoped you would meet someone…”

  “You did?”

  Maia smiles. “Is that so hard to believe? We want you to be happy, JR. Whole. All of us do…”

  “Yeah, but, you know I loved, love, your sister, right? I mean, I would never want to disrespect Layla or dishonor her memory.”

  Maia chuckles. “That’s what you’re worried about? JR, anyone with eyes could tell how much you cherished Layla. And how much she adored you. You guys were the most amazing couple, real relationship goals. If I’m being honest, I used to be a little jealous of how effortless things seemed for you guys. Trust me, no one would ever think that you were dishonoring what you and Layla had, the family and the life you built. But JR, you’re supposed to keep living.

  You’re supposed to heal and find good again. Love. It’s natural and Mom and I would never want less of a life for you because Layla passed.” Her eyes fill with tears and one spills onto her cheek. She flicks it away with the backs of her knuckles, offering a soft smile. “Trust me when I tell you, my sister would want you to choose love again over constant heartache. She would want that for you and she would want the best of you, the whole you, to raise the twins. Not just pieces and shadows.”

  I shake my head in disbelief. “I thought you’d be upset. Or angry.”

  “Never.” She takes my fingers and squeezes them. “Tell me about her. Is it serious?”

  “I, it’s…new. But yes, my feelings are very strong. I wouldn’t—”

  “Date someone casually. I know. With you, it’s always all in or nothing. Layla used to joke that you were a man of extremes.”

  I smile, remembering how she used to tease me about that too.

  “What’s her name?” Maia asks. “How’d you meet?”

  “She’s, well, it’s Bella.”

  Maia’s eyebrows fly up. “The nanny?”

  I nod.

  Maia’s eyebrows snap back together, her eyes narrowing. “And you’re sure about this? It’s not just some natural extension of living together, raising the twins together or—”

  “It’s for real,” I cut her off, not wanting her to think that Bella and I would take a risk like this just because it’s easy. “Trust me, I fought against it, tried to avoid her, kept her at arm’s length… The truth is, I met Bella before she came to nanny for the kids. I couldn’t have been more shocked when she showed up on the doorstep to interview. But she was the best person for the job, the most qualified, and the twins took to her immediately.”

  “They adore her,” Maia agrees, smiling at me. “That’s good, JR. Really.”

  I blow out the breath I didn’t realize I was holding.

  “To be honest, it makes me feel better that you met Bella before. That you guys were interested in each other for real and not just because your lives overlap so much.”

  “It’s definitely a lot more than just the convenience of it. I…I’m falling for her, Maia. She makes all the aspects of my life better and I miss her when we’re not together.”

  Maia’s expression softens. “I’m happy for you.”

  “Thank you,” I say, truly touched that she means it. “I don’t know how to tell Milly and Mason.”

  “They don’t suspect?”

  “I don’t know,” I say slowly, thinking over the past week. “There were a few instances this week where Milly looked at me funny or Mason looked like he wanted to ask something. But neither of them came out and said anything directly. I don’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing that the woman is Bella. But I want to be honest with them. Do you think it’s too soon? How do you think they’ll react?”

  Maia blows out an exhale. “I honestly don’t know, JR. That’s a tough one. I’m not sure how the twins will take the news but what I do know is that if they learn about you and Bella from anyone who isn’t you, it’s going to hurt a hell of a lot more. You need to talk to them. You need to be honest and upfront about your feelings. It has to be you.”

  “I know. I agree with you. I just, I don’t want to flip their worlds upside down when they’re finally doing so well.”

  Maia smirks at me. “I don’t relish your position.”

  I snort. “Thanks, Maia. One day, you’ll have kids and—”

  “Not anytime soon,” she cuts me off.

  I lift an eyebrow but Maia shakes h
er head, not taking the bait.

  “Talk to them, JR. Be honest and upfront with them. For too long, we all hid Layla’s illness from them. I know at the time, we thought we were doing the right thing. Maybe we were…but the one thing I learned from everything that happened is that being honest, sharing information, matters. Choosing how to feel about something matters. Tell them and then, let them feel what they feel. Just be there for them.”

  I think over her words, nodding slowly. “Okay.”

  She takes another sip of her coffee. “You know once the twins know, Mom is going to expect Bella to come to Delaware for Christmas.”

  I snicker, knowing she’s right. Marrying Layla was like hitting the in-law jackpot. I don’t know anyone who has the type of relationship with his in-laws that I have with mine. After my parents passed when I was in high school, I yearned to belong to a family again. Layla’s family became mine from the moment I met them and I’ve never taken that for granted.

  “We’ll take it step by step,” I say slowly.

  Maia laughs. “Tell that to Mom after she has a stocking made for Bella.”

  I chuckle with her, some of the weight I was carrying around dissipating. Maia’s approval makes my future with Bella seem that much more realistic. I’m not building castles in the sky, dreaming of wild hopes. I’m turning my dream into my reality.

  14

  Bella

  “Need you, Bella,” James’s voice rumbles over the shell of my ear.

  I turn toward him. Even half-asleep, my body is drawn to his like a moth to a flame. His mouth is hot against my skin, his stubble prickly against my neck.

  I moan, arching into his touch as he slips his hands under my sleep shirt and over my skin. When his palm closes around my breast, I waken fully, my eyes finding his in the dark.

  “You’re home,” I murmur.

  “Just walked in.”

  “How was the game?” I ask, as he kisses the sensitive flesh where my neck rounds out into my shoulder.

  “We won.” He keeps kissing a trail over my throat.

  “Congratulations.”

  I feel James’s mouth curl into a smile against my skin. My fingers rake though his hair, pressing the back of his head more firmly against my body. “The twins—”

  “Are fast asleep,” James explains, tugging the tie on my sleep shorts and rolling them down my body along with my underwear. “I missed you, baby.”

  I settle back against my pillows. “You did?”

  James’s hand slides up my leg, slowly. When it reaches the apex of my thighs, it stops and he swipes two fingers up my core, through the wetness already waiting for him.

  “I missed you too,” I murmur.

  He laughs. “I can tell.” Then he slips his fingers inside his mouth and sucks my sweetness, grinning wickedly as he pulls his fingers out with a loud smack.

  My gaze is already at half-mast at that little display and when James reads the heat in my eyes, desire flares in his. We move at the same time, removing clothes, our breathing ragged. Our sweet and lazy of the past week kicks up into sexy and needy as we reach for each other. Our mouths crash together in a hungry kiss, wrought with delicious promises and sinful intentions.

  I shush James twice, reminding him that we need to be quiet but it’s hard to remember as his body coaxes the most delicious sensations from mine. James and I lose ourselves in each other and somewhere over the course of the night, we find ourselves too.

  As the darkness eases into dawn, I realize that I don’t want to hide my relationship with James. I don’t want to keep my newfound happiness under wraps when I feel almost drunk with the need to shout it from the rooftops. Being with James has restored a part of me I thought I lost and I don’t want to conceal it. I want to celebrate it. Rejoice in him. Rejoice in us.

  As the first rays of sunshine flicker across my bedroom wall, I turn toward James and open my mouth. But his finger comes up and presses against my lips, silencing me.

  “I’ve been thinking,” he starts slowly and my stomach twists, nerves and anticipation rolling through me. “I’m ready to tell the twins. I want to.”

  I smile against his finger and he removes it.

  “What do you think?” he whispers.

  “I think I like this idea very much,” I tell him truthfully. “I want to be with you, James. But they’re the heart of this family and I want to be honest with them.”

  He kisses me deeply, pulling back only to stare into my eyes. “Me too, Bella. I love you.”

  Pure joy radiates through my veins as I smile at him. “I love you, too.”

  Then, we make love again as the sun rises on a new day and the next chapter of our together begins.

  The following days are busy with extracurricular activities and hockey games so James and I agree to tell the twins this weekend, when he returns home from a game. We’re in the kitchen, eating lunch, before he flies out for two days.

  Snow falls thickly outside the window, blanketing the ground in white.

  “What are you going to do while I’m in Milwaukee?” James asks. “Maia is keeping the kids overnight on Wednesday. You should do something with Selina. Go out to dinner.”

  I wrinkle my nose. “I picked up Selina’s shift at Taps that night. She has an audition.”

  James frowns, turning toward me. “You did? Why? You don’t need to be working all these hours. I mean, you pretty much work all the time here.” His frown deepens as he considers his own words. “Do you need more time off? You should do something fun with your friends.”

  I shake my head, forcing a smile. I try to keep my voice light. “It’s fine. I like working at Taps. It’s fun.”

  James gives me a disbelieving look.

  “Besides, I want to help Lina out. She’s been so great to me, letting me live with her for stretches at a time. Trust me, it’s no big deal,” I reassure him, not adding that I like to keep busy. It’s how I cope; it’s how I’ve been dealing with all the things I don’t want to think about for years now. Sure, my sessions with Dr. Carlisle have curtailed a lot of my need to throw myself into things. But I’m still adjusting.

  While being with James has placed my life on a new trajectory, it hasn’t erased all the things I’m still working through. After long days surrounded by incredible kids, in a house that is truly a home, I still sometimes long for the family I don’t have. Will Milly and Mason ever consider me a motherly figure?

  Being with James eased a lot of my hurt, but it also raised a lot of new questions. What does my future look like? Do I have a place in his family? In their home? As more than just the nanny?

  When you’re sitting in someone else’s home, no matter how much you love it, no matter how much you revel in it, it’s still someone’s home. It’s built from their dreams and hopes. It’s wrought with their plans and ideas.

  Since Jerry and I divorced, I never had a space that was just mine. I never had an opportunity to truly create a place for myself to think and reflect. I never had that because I didn’t want it, in fact, I ran from it. The best way to keep those old hurts and devastating memories, the quiet longing and needy desires, under wraps, is to stay busy. Filling in at Taps provides that and when Selina asked if I could cover for her, I jumped at the chance.

  James pushes my hair over my shoulder, looking down at me with worry in his eyes. “You sure? You’re not taking on too much?”

  I smile at his concern, hearing an echo of Colton’s words. “I’m sure.” I tip my chin up and kiss the underside of his jaw. “Don’t worry about me. Go to Milwaukee, win your game, and when you come home, we’ll tell the twins our news.”

  He smiles but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “Okay. But if you need anything, you call me.”

  “I’ll be fine.”

  He sighs. “I know. I just, I worry about you when you’re on your own.”

  His words cause me to pause. “Why?” I ask slowly.

  His hand cups my cheek, his thumb drawing a line down the center
of my chin. “Because I love you, Bella.”

  Even though he’s said the words before, they still turn my body to mush. “I love you too.” I lean back so he can drop his head to kiss me again.

  He glances at his watch and groans. “I need to head out. I’ll see you in a few days.”

  “Be careful,” I remind him, slipping off the barstool so I can follow him to the door.

  He pauses in the foyer. Intensity burns in his eyes for a long moment before he grips my hips and pulls me flush against his body. James kisses me deeply, causing my head to swirl. When he releases me, he grins wickedly. “You be careful,” he says instead.

  Then, he shoulders his bag and lifts his hand in a wave before leaving. I close the door behind him, rolling my back against it as I take in the Ryan home.

  In many ways, it feels like my home too. But is it? Will a home James built and brought to life with Layla ever truly be mine?

  I shake the thought away. First, we need to tell the twins about us. How will they react? Will they hate me?

  Christmas is only a few weeks away and James invited me at Maia’s urging. But I’ve held off on agreeing until we talk to the twins. Will they want me to celebrate with them? Go to Delaware and stay at their teta’s house over the holidays? Or will that be overkill? Will it hurt too much? Will they think I’m trying to replace their mother?

  I sink to the couch, my thoughts tripping over each other.

  That’s the last thing I’d ever want to do. Everything I know about Layla Ryan and her family is good. She was a beautiful, intelligent, compassionate woman. An amazing wife, a phenomenal mother, a wonderful person through and through. I’d never try to take her place. But is there room, true space for me, in the Ryan family? In James’s, Milly’s, and Mason’s lives? Can their love for me coexist with their love for Layla?

  I hope so.

  I lean back on the couch, checking the time. I don’t have to pick the twins up for several hours. Suddenly, the weight of the empty house presses in on me. My thoughts begin to spiral as different scenarios about us telling the twins play out in my mind.