The Defender: A Single Dad Hockey Romance (Boston Hawks Hockey) Page 14

  My fingers swipe across the keypad of my phone as I debate messaging Dr. C for a session. No. I pull my hand away and close my eyes. I just spoke with him last night and I’m making progress; I’m moving forward. I can handle this.

  I blow out a shaky sigh, hating that this many years later, I still struggle to sit idly. I still jump at the chance to pick up Selina’s serving shifts at Taps or Jolene’s.

  I force myself to stand and head into the kitchen. I tidy up from James’s and my lunch before doing a deep clean of the entire kitchen, throwing myself into the task. When the countertops gleam and I can see my reflection in the stainless steel of the refrigerator, I close my eyes in defeat. Because it wasn’t enough. Restlessness still courses through my veins. Heading to my room, I change into workout clothes.

  Then, I pop in my ear pods, select a high energy playlist, and head to the basement where James has a home gym with a treadmill. I run until I can barely breathe, until my lungs burn, and my legs feel like jelly. I run until my thoughts quiet and my concerns ease.

  That night, after I tuck Milly and Mason into bed, I climb under my duvet and let sleep claim me. I’m so exhausted that I sleep through my alarm the following morning.

  However, when I wake up and read the message on the screen of my phone, I wish I slept even longer.

  Jerry: Bells, we need to talk.

  15

  James

  Milwaukee is a tough loss and it rests on my shoulders. I didn’t stop a shot the way I should have. It was my failure on the ice that let Milwaukee take the lead and when the final whistle blows, shame burns through me, layered with guilt.

  We’ve been having one hell of a season and skated onto the ice too damn confident for our own good. We get our asses handed to us, both on the ice and afterwards, when Sims gets into it with their center. Smarting from bullshit calls, a rough game, and my screw-up, both teams jump in and the fight, over minutes after it begins, leaves us all in a piss-poor mood.

  The flight back to Boston is mostly silent, with a thread of tension tugging throughout the entire team. Everyone is frustrated with our game time performance, annoyed by the stupid fight we let ourselves be dragged into, and exhausted.

  When our plane lands in Boston on Wednesday evening, even the light fall of snow irks me. It’s another reminder that the holidays are upon us, that it’s another Christmas without Layla, and that Bella still hasn’t given me a final answer about celebrating with us in Delaware.

  I’m cranky, tired, and desperate to be home with Bella and the twins. I grab my bag and head out to catch the team bus back to the arena. As I step up into the bus, I remember that the twins are sleeping at Maia’s and Bella is filling in for Selina at Taps.

  I swear under my breath, drawing a look from Panda.

  “What’s wrong?” he asks, sliding into the seat closer to the window so I can sit beside him.

  I plop down and shake my head, feeling my jaw clench. “Nothing. I’m just in a shit mood.”

  “We all are.” He shrugs. “But something else is bothering you.”

  “I just remembered the twins are at Maia’s tonight.”

  “Isn’t that good? You can get that hot ass nanny all—”

  His words die in his throat as I pierce him with a look. Fury rolls through me, an intense feeling I’m not used to having toward one of my teammates.

  “Shit,” Panda mutters. “You and Bella are for real, huh? I’m sorry, James.” He raises his hands in surrender. “I thought you guys were just playing house, that you were easing back into the dating pool and didn’t want to stick your dick in a puck bunny or—”

  “Stop. Talking,” I cut him off, my anger blazing. Panda’s one hell of a hockey player but his reputation off the ice couldn’t be farther apart from mine. Where I’m the family man, maybe too strict and serious, he’s the wild playboy who hops from bed to bed. Still, I can tell by the regret in his gaze that he didn’t mean any harm. He talks a lot of shit before he thinks and this is another one of those times.

  Panda clears his throat. “It’s for real, then?”

  “It’s for real,” I confirm, my jaw tight.

  “How’d the kids take it?” he asks, hitting at another sore subject.

  My mood sours further, irritation mixing with my anger. “We haven’t told them yet.”

  “Oh,” Panda says, snapping his mouth closed.

  Finally, silence. I turn away from Panda, debating if I should move seats. But after a few breaths, even his silence, which I wanted only moments before, grates on my nerves.

  “Why? You think it’s too soon?” I turn back toward him.

  He opens his mouth but no words come out. His gaze is wary and I blow out a sigh.

  “Be honest. I want to know what you think,” I say in a calmer tone.

  “I think you should have told them already. It’s been going on, what, a month?”

  “More or less,” I say, not wanting to add that I knew Bella before she ever became our nanny.

  “If Milly or Mason find out from anyone but you, it will shatter them. Bella’s the first woman, you know, maternal figure, they’ve really connected with since Layla passed, right?” He clears his throat again, scratching at his cheek. He’s uncomfortable.

  I frown, wondering where the hell he’s going with this. “Yeah. I mean, there’s Maia but Bella is the first woman to step into a dedicated, caretaking role, since Layla passed.”

  Panda nods, the movement jerky. “They might feel protective of her. And it could be hard because their feelings for Bella could complicate their feelings for Layla.”

  “What do you mean?” I ask.

  “I mean, it’s hard to trust, to let someone in, after someone close to you dies. If they find out that you’re keeping something like this, something big from them, and it involves the woman they’re coming to think of as their safe haven, it’s going to hurt. You need to be honest with them.”

  “We were going to tell them this weekend,” I say, my eyebrows bending together as I study Panda. He seems jittery, nervous.

  He shakes his head. “No, you need to tell them now, by yourself. They might not feel comfortable voicing their concern in front of Bella.”

  “Concern?”

  Panda nods, gripping the back of his neck. “Look, I could be way off base here but when my dad started dating again after my mom…” He pauses to glance out the window. Whatever emotion he’s struggling with is gone by the time he turns back around. “He dated my sophomore English lit teacher. She’s now my stepmom and I love her. But back then, fuck, it was hard, James. Ms. Green was my teacher, my person. I confided in her a lot after my mom died and then, all of a sudden, she was his. I’m not saying Milly or Mason is going to have that issue but for what it’s worth, I’d be upfront.”

  I nod slowly, processing his words. “I never even considered…I didn’t think of it like that.”

  “Yeah,” he breathes out.

  I look up, meeting his eyes. “I’m sorry about your mom.”

  “Thanks.” Panda forces a grin. “I was fourteen at the time. So, older than the twins but…

  “Yeah.”

  “Cancer sucks,” he mutters, his tone hard. He turns to stare back out the window.

  “Yeah.”

  I think about Panda’s words until we arrive at the arena. I fist bump him goodbye and wave to my other teammates as I make my way to my SUV. Panda’s advice, his experience, leaves a sourness in my stomach, darkening my already shitty mood.

  I stow my bag and slide behind the steering wheel, ready to put this week behind me. I just want to go home and sink inside of Bella. Tangle up with her until this cloud passes.

  Except Bella is still at Taps. I glance at the clock. 9:30 p.m. Things are probably picking up now. Even though I know she’ll be too busy to talk, I point my SUV in the direction of the bar. I can sit and have a beer, wait for her to finish up the shift.

  I pull at the collar on my shirt. Going to sit in a bar brimmin
g with Hawks fans after a crap game isn’t the smartest decision but I know seeing Bella will help clear my mind and improve my mood.

  I park in the Taps parking lot and jog to the front door, ducking my head from the snow. I push inside and pull up short as I scan the bar for Bella. My breath catches in my throat and I see red when I spot her, leaning over the bar, hugging a man I’ve never seen before.

  He’s grinning at her like she’s the most important person in the world to him and she’s letting him hold her in a tight embrace instead of pushing him away.

  What the fuck?

  Insecurities I haven’t felt in years rock through me, leveling me in a second. Is this Jerry? Is this the guy who dragged my girl through fucking hell after she buried her son?

  I stride toward the bar, another thought popping into my mind.

  Is this a new guy? Someone she never mentioned? Someone she dated after her divorce?

  The man pulls back and stares into Bella’s eyes, frowning at whatever he reads there.

  They’re too fucking familiar to be mere acquaintances. Why the hell is he still touching her?

  I don’t notice the patrons at Taps. The tough loss and sorry about the game comments roll off my shoulders. They don’t even register because I can’t think about anything except this fucker’s hands on my Bella.

  My hands are nearly shaking with anger. My stomach is roiling with fear. Am I going to lose her? Did I read everything wrong? Who the hell—

  “James!” Bella gasps when I enter her line of vision. She’s surprised to see me and that pisses me off too. Didn’t she think I’d come for her after the plane landed? Didn’t she know she’d be the first person I’d want to see after that loss? She smiles, her face lighting up, which confuses the hell out of me.

  I stop in my tracks, my hand planting in the center of the bar.

  Bella’s smile slips as she tries to gage my mood. Good luck, I don’t even know how the fuck I feel right now, other than fuming. Anger, bitterness, and downright hurt laces my blood, causing my head to spin. My ability to reason disappears and I’m left feeling. Too many awful things. I wish they’d fucking stop.

  “Hey, this is James?” the man asks.

  I sneer at him, my other hand curling into a fist.

  I note the recognition on Bella’s face as she finally clues in that I’m fucking furious. Her hand on the dude’s bicep clenches and she blurts out, “Yes. James, this is my brother, Colton.”

  What. The. Fuck?

  Her brother?

  Coldness sweeps through me as I start to process her words. Immediately, my face falls slack. The hot fire from seconds ago burns up into nothingness. What the hell is wrong with me? I just wanted to deck a guy, a man I don’t even know, for hugging Bella hello. I doubted if my girl was what, cheating, on me? For hugging a guy in public?

  And it’s her brother.

  I clear my throat, embarrassment and shame rolling through me. I uncurl my fist, swipe my palm along the material of my dress pants, and hold it out. “Hey. It’s good to meet you, Colton.”

  “You too, man.” He shakes my hand, his eyes sizing me up.

  I stand a little taller, trying to keep my expression neutral.

  “Thanks for being so good to my little sister,” he adds, an easy smile slipping over his face.

  Lucky for me, he seems to have missed the moment of my near meltdown.

  I force a chuckle. “You’ve got it backwards. Your sister’s been looking out for me and my family.”

  “Yeah,” he agrees, sitting on a barstool. I take the seat next to him and Bella slips away to fill two pints. “I’ve heard a lot about Milly and Mason.”

  My eyebrows lift. “You have?”

  “Yeah, Bells adores them.”

  “We all adore her,” I respond, automatically.

  He nods, thanking Bella for the beers she drops in front of us. She wrinkles her nose at me and tips her head down the bar where a customer is calling out for her.

  “Don’t tell him any embarrassing stories, Colt,” she warns. But her eyes are trained on mine and I read the concern shadowing their depths.

  Is she worried about her brother and I not getting along? Does she wish I hadn’t met him? Sure, Bella’s spoken about her family before but she’s never mentioned my meeting them. Not the same way I’ve been trying to include her in my world, inviting her to Christmas with my in-laws. Should I be reading into this?

  Pebbles of discomfort, of worry, start to stack in my stomach. I clear my throat. “Bella didn’t mention you were coming to visit.”

  Colton takes a swig of his beer. “She didn’t know. I wanted to surprise her. This time of year”—he shrugs—“it’s hard for her, you know?”

  I nod, my mind racing. Does he mean Christmas or something else? Miles’s birth occurred in November. What happened in December?

  “Jerry and she were never going to last,” Colton lowers his voice, shooting me a knowing look. Except I have no clue what he’s talking about. “But the divorce still stings. Especially because of how ugly it all got. I just, I wanted to be here for her. She’s been quieter lately, not sharing as much, always rushing me off the phone.” He shakes his head like he’s missing a puzzle piece. “But she looks a hell of a lot better. Healthier, happier.” He frowns and I realize that Colton has no idea about Bella and me.

  She hasn’t told her family yet.

  Well, neither have I. I mean, I told Maia but the twins still don’t know. My insecurities flare back to life. Was Panda right? Will they be hurt by my dating Bella? And how come I’m going to tell my kids when she hasn’t even told her brother?

  And what the hell did Colton mean about things with Jerry getting ugly? What really went down between them?

  I pick up my beer and take a swig. I can feel Bella staring at me from down the bar but I don’t turn to meet her gaze. Suddenly, my anger bleeds out. It’s replaced by a coldness I’m more familiar with. I reach for the numbness, gripping it with both hands.

  Maybe Panda was right. Maybe I keep thinking of this thing between Bella and me as a “we,” an “us.” But maybe Bella isn’t all in the way I am. How many things about her life do I not know?

  “Bella has been an incredible addition to our family,” I say for her brother’s sake. I keep my voice light, my tone level. “We’re lucky to have her.”

  Colton grins, one side of his mouth pulling up. “That’s good to hear, man. You have any sisters?”

  Maia flashes through my mind and even though she’s a sister through marriage, I nod.

  “Then you know how it is,” Colton continues. “I’ll never not worry about her. The past few years have been unkind to Bells. I mean, really, how much hurt is one person supposed to shoulder?” He shakes his head, his expression forlorn. “But I’m glad to see her here, like this.” He tips his chin down the bar. “It’s nice to see her smile again. Hope we can convince her to re-enroll in her PhD program next.”

  PhD program? I know that Bella studied children’s psychology and education. I know that she still considers a therapy-centered career. But I didn’t know she was completing her PhD. I didn’t know that at some point, she dropped out of the program and never went back.

  I turn to glance at Bella, chatting easily with a customer. She’s rocking the same smile I noticed on the first night I saw her. Open, polite, charming. But her eyes blaze with the same emptiness I despise. With a loneliness I thought I was chasing away.

  Suddenly, Taps seems to close in on me. All the things I was starting to believe in seem flimsy and ring false. My stomach plummets and my chest tightens. I drain my beer and place it back on the bar. I just want to get the hell out of Taps. I want this day to be over. I don’t want any more drama or heavy bullshit.

  What the hell happened between when I left for Milwaukee and now? The lighthearted and easygoing vibe of last week is gone. Now, I just feel overwhelmed and…drained. Too exhausted to think over all the things about Bella I don’t know. While I’ve b
een confiding in her, sharing parts of myself and my family, telling her that I love her, she hasn’t even mentioned that she has a brother?

  I frown at Bella for a long moment. She turns and offers me a soft smile, a silent plea in her eyes to let her explain.

  I tip my chin at her before gesturing toward the door.

  Her expression falls.

  “Good meeting you, Colton.” I hold my hand out for her brother.

  He smacks his palm in mine, giving it a warm shake. “You too, James. Thanks for keeping an eye on my sister. Hey, you want to grab a bite with us? She’s getting off early tonight since it’s not too busy. We’re just going to head to the diner around the corner.”

  I smile at Colton, appreciative of his offer. But if he traveled all this way to surprise his sister, then they should have some time together. Besides, it seems like Bella has some personal things to work out before she and I can even discuss the massive elephant that just walked into the room. “Nah, I’m okay. You guys should get caught up. Thanks though.”

  “Another time then.”

  “Another time,” I agree.

  I don’t turn around as I walk to the door of Taps. All of the things that have been eating at me pull me under, too overwhelming to process. All of my failures, all of my guilt, all of the uncertainties that I live with each day, minute to minute, swallow me whole.

  I can’t handle another rejection, another disappointment, on top of everything else. So, I don’t bother with a second glance or a final goodbye. But I feel Bella’s eyes on the center of my back and know she’s confused by my behavior.

  Well, I’m bowled over by hers.

  The door closes behind me and I step back into the snow, swearing at this shitty day that seems endless.

  16

  Bella

  I wring my hands together as Pete tells me to take off early, to grab a bite with my brother who has patiently sat at the bar and watched bits of my life unfold all evening.

  Nerves rattle in my veins and a slickness coats my stomach, making me feel nauseous and light-headed. Why did James leave? Why didn’t he say goodbye? Are we over?